Heavenly Father, why won't you let me sleep?

The Lord works in mysterious ways. It's a trite saying, but all too true. Many years ago, I sat in church while the pastor discussed insomnia, and how, at times, the Lord will plant a seed in our heads. It's a seed that until we pay attention to it, and do as it's nagging at us to do, may keep us from sleeping. Today seems to be one of those days for me.

Now understand - I have an infant daughter, along with four other children and a husband care for. I honestly require every spare second of sleep I can get! But today, the Lord wanted me up and working on this, and so, obediently, here I am.

Yesterday was a day of many revelations. (Not capital R, Revelations - that's a whole different discussion!) I have prayed for understanding lately, and I have prayed for my marriage. God chose to give me both in measure while at church yesterday.

I was early for the service yesterday. My husband, who is pagan, does not attend church with me for obvious reasons, but it does afford me the small luxury of sometimes leaving the baby home with him while I attend services. My daughter and stepdaughter were up late Saturday night, and as my mother likes to say, "The devil was in their pillows on Sunday morning!"

So I found myself ready to leave for church by myself, a little earlier than usual, and I set off. My early arrival (and lack of money for a latte or cappuccino at the coffee bar) gave me time to visit the church resource center, which has recordings of past services, but also sells Christian books, music, and movies. I was drawn to one section that is specifically devoted to readings recommended by the Pastors of the church, and specifically to one row, devoted to the marriage relationship. The one book in particular that kept drawing me back was one on Encouraging your Husband (I'll look the title up later and link it - right now it's in the bedroom with my sleeping husband, who would NOT be encouraged by me waking him up!). One of the things my husband has said in the last few months, as we struggled in our marriage, is that he feels that I tell him he's my hero one minute, and dirt the next. It wasn't intentional on my part, mind you - in my head he was always my hero. The problem is that my words didn't match what I was feeling.

In the day to day muck and mud of love and marriage, it's easy to forget to be a light to your spouse or significant other. It's all too easy to get bogged down in the garbage of having to pick his socks up off the floor again, or picking up the wet towel he left on the floor, or once again, having to put the dishes in the sink that he just left on the table for the "dish fairy" to take care of for him! When all of those things pile up, and that little bugger "resentment" kicks in, it can be hard to be a life-affirming, love-giving, champion of their every move, grace-full partner.

And yet, Jesus calls us to be just that.

I read the first five or so pages of the book before the service started yesterday. On my way home, I decided to start a small experiment. I stopped and bought a card for my husband. Cards are something he gives me often - sometimes when we've had a fight or he has done something that (in retrospect) was not his best idea ever. I kid you not - sometimes he will come home with 10 different cards, each of which spoke a different sentiment, but all of which he means. Cards are one of my husband's ways of expressing his love. For my experiment, I decided to speak his love language, and I bought him a card. It was nothing spectacular, just a sweet little card expressing love, talking about how hard life can be together, but how we are committed to making it through. The message in the card, honestly, wasn't that important. What I wrote in it was the actual gift.

I took a few minutes to compose a short note to my husband about how much I love him, and that he is my hero every single day, whether I remember to tell him or not. I owned up to the fact that I am not always the easiest person to love, and how grateful I am that he continues to love me, even when it's hard.

Last night as we laid in bed talking, he told me how much that card meant to him. He told me how ENCOURAGING it was to him to know that I believe in him. He told me he had shown the card to my stepdaughter, to show her how much I love him, and how much it means to him. ( I will admit, I was a little uncomfortable with that, just because it was a sentiment between us, but in the end, her seeing how true, God-given love behaves can only be a good thing.)

In short, in the span of less than 12 hours, God had shown me how such a small effort as a card can enrich and enliven my marriage. He showed me how giving my husband even that small bit of encouragement can mean so much to my husband, how it helps my husband understand and feel the love I have for him.

But even more importantly, and this is what got me up early this morning when I would much rather have been sleeping, it made me realize that I am Jesus to my husband. My husband is sitting on the sideline of the greatest transformation that has ever happened in my life - that of me truly giving my life over to Christ for the first (real) time. I truly believe, it is through my transformation that God is working in my husband. This is what I have to keep in mind each time I am tempted to dump "truth" out on his head. You know that truth - the truth about every thing he has ever done that hurt me. The truth about every thing he has ever said that was "wrong", that would vindicate me in an argument. The truth about how frustrating it is when he expects me to pick up after him, rather than picking up his own dirty, smelly socks and putting them in the hamper.

God has called on me to show grace to my husband.

Don't get me wrong - I think God has left room for me to be truthful with my husband about the fact that I would really appreciate it if he would pick up his stinky socks. God has just showed me that, in grace, I can say that to him without being hurtful. With grace, I can encourage my husband and help him to be more.

I can encourage my husband, and show him Christ's love, poured out through me.

Truth and Grace, shared with love, from me to my husband. Epic Win.